I just pynch a tree in the face
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Randomize
