Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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