dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
