Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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