I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
