please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
