rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
