I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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