She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Do you remember whose house we're in?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
