I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
