If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
