Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
