I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
