Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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