If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
