apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
