Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I want is dick and wine.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
