She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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