so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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