Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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