and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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