I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize