In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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