My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Randomize
