Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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