i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
