TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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