I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize