I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
