This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
