my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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