I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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