1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
