Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
