Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
