Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
