got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize