There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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