So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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