The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
