So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
