I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize