The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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