Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
is wine microwaveable?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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