I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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