How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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