Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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