There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
