Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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