$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
