i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
