I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
