a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
