I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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