i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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