I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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