so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
