I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
