I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
