Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize