It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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