You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
