Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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